This giant Wailord Pokemon plush will fill the void in your life, at a price

Look: We all wish Pokemon were real. You're lying if you say otherwise. Sure, some of the eponymous pocket monsters would be more horrifying IRL than some--we're looking at you Lickylicky. That doesn't change the fact that I want to hug em all. It looks like Pokemon Center is coming through in the clutch once more for fans of gigantic, crazy-expensive merch with this Wailord Pokemon plush.

Announced as up for pre-order on the Pokemon Center site today, this almost 5-foot-long plushie comes with a price tag worthy of a Master Ball: $420 USD. The price is appropriate, as you'd almost absolutely need to be high in order to buy this masterfully crafted monstrosity.

And yet, I want it.

The Wailord Pokemon plush doesn't ship until November of this year. This leaves plenty of time to search my soul and figure out the greatest flimsy justifications for purchase that I can muster. After all, I'm an adult man with a mortgage, cats fill the void of actual children, and crushing amounts of debt.

So, if you're like me and in need of doing the mental gymnastics to justify this dumb, amazing thing, then feel free to try and of the below excuses.

Therapy dogs provide a vital service to those with disabilities yet still in need of daily assistance. It takes years and hundreds of hours of training to get these doggos ready for the job.

But what about me, someone needing to avoid Pokemon FOMO? The answer is simple: Declare that this massive Wailord Pokemon plush is my emotional support! Sure, I run the risk of being arrested at airports and beaten up for taking advantage of those around me. That's all just a part of being a true Pokemon Master.

Heroes of the Storm isn't dead, it's just waiting for its next star player! That's why I'm happy to announce that, in addition to resurrecting the long-dormant HOTS pro scene I've also drafted my first player: This Wailord Pokemon plush!

Honestly, it's perfect: Truly this Wailord plushie is the ultimate Abathur main. He always stays in the lane! He doesn't feed! Sure, Wailord doesn't come to team fights or the objective, but how is that any different than most of the players in Heroes of the Storm?

Keep an eye out for Team 6.5, coming soon to a HOTS scene near you!

Given the rising cost of living, it's no surprise that the cost of dying is on the rise as well. With the price tag of a funeral ranging around $9,000 USD I think it's best if I start preparing now. But no ordinary burial plot will do! My eternal soul only deserves the best, so I want my remains cremated and stuffed into this wonderous Wailord Pokemon plush!

After all, what better way to stay alive in the memories of those you love and left behind than forcing the biggest, stupidest urn of all time on them? You too can live on in this Wailord plushie/tomb for all time. Death has no meaning when you're inside a Pokemon!

Surely, one of these excuses will work. Now, if you'll excuse me I need to see what my credit limit is on my non-maxed out cards.

Stay tuned to Esports.gg for more Gaming and esports news.